Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
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What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
so, is there a mister shapen head
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.