interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
You Might Also Like
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
😂😂😂
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
A double negative is a big no-no.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.