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“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
welp
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.