I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
You Might Also Like
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.