Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
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Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
My time has come.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Ugh but profoundly
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
selfie game
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!