Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
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My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
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my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight