My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
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I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE