“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
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me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!