Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
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Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen