WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
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Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.