No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
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Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
podcasts
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.