If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
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hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Friends that check up on you >
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.