the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
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So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo