Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
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Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Where’s my employee discount too?
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.