What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
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My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.