If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
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A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
inventing words: clothing
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.