[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
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The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other