[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
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Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*