Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
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5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.