*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
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she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
this article brought to you by lions
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math