i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
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Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”