Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
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WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today