If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
You Might Also Like
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Yup….perfect score!
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
got so much cardio in today
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”