The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
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5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Jokes on them. I took 10.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….