Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
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Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
channeling her this year
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.