This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
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[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Oh thanks BBC.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
and now we wait
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
couldn’t resist
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight