One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
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her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough