dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
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I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Beware…..
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
@ candidates for local office
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Breaking news:
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.