Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
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Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I created you as mosquito food.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.