Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
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It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
The answer is funnier than the question
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Why soy sad?
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon