I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
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I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
What number SPF blocks people?
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Spring of Deception
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
is this store having a stroke wtf
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.