If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
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People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
He a real one for that
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.