[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
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[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Goodnight 🐶
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear