Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
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“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.