If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
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Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I would move hell over six inches for you
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.