Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
You Might Also Like
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
LMAO.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Oh boy, $150,000!
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*