This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
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My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan