Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
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[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”