When you take Google Maps too seriously.
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everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
“i am a sweet baby”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work