whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
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I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD