My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
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Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”