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brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.