me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
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My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
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I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong