right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
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Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Note to self: always read the final line
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
And bowling should be called pinball
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.