I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
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Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Well, that didn’t work.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.