*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
You Might Also Like
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
who wants to go expliring
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
🌱🌱🌱
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride