tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
what’s really going on
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices