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“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan