Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
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[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).