me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
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Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.